i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
