U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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