i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
