I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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