So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
