So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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