Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
home. puking in laundry basket.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
