Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
