Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
