I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
