Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
