every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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