No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
