walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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