I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
