you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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