capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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