I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
