I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
