Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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