I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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