She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
