She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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