you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's shark week go big or go home
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
