shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
