I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
