turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
