It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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