chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
