hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
