hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
