I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
