Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
