Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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