Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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