you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
