hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
