There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
