Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
