Banned from zoo.
Again?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
