She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
