i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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