My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
