I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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