Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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