I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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