you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
