At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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