I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
