saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
