Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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