dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she looked like the before picture.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
