I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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