Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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